‘Scuse me while my pigeons die

This was my 8 year old’s interpretation of the famous line in Purple Haze this morning when I played it for him at breakfast. People often mess up that line, but I have to say, this one is my favorite misinterpretation.

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Sure, I’ll join your club!

A letter came yesterday from the pharmacy. There was a letter congratulating me on joining the pharmacy club plus 2 coupons. My husband asked, “When and why did you join the pharmacy club?” I replied, “I didn’t.”

But after thinking about it, I realized what had happened. It was yet another case of language failure.

A week ago I wasn’t feeling well and went to the pharmacy to pick up some medicine. I wasn’t really concentrating and I heard the pharmacist say something about “discount” in Swedish. Since I was only half-listening, I assumed she said my medicine was on discount so I just smiled and nodded – the practice that always seems to get me in trouble when faking that I understood someone.

This time it ended up in a subscription to the pharmacy club. Luckily it doesn’t cost anything. They just send coupons and as my husband says, “lots of spam.”

On the bright side, I’m using my 20% coupon for some vitamin D today.

club

Check-in time: 7-11

We are trying to book a hotel for our summer trip to the U.S.  Here’s one that came up on the list:

Pros: You can get a Slim Jim anytime you like.

Cons: Lots of noise from the Lotto ticket machine.

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Best news my son’s heard all week

My youngest has been suffering from a bad cold with a strong cough all week. This article couldn’t have come at a better time for him.

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Graveyard sledding

Our local paper has raised a question in our neighborhood; Should people be sledding in a graveyard?

The initial picture one gets in one’s head is of sleds crashing into gravestones or “this wouldbe great for  ‘The Addams Family Christmas Special.” However, the hill they are using doesn’t have any burial sites, it’s just landscaped in the middle.

The graveyard they are talking about is down the road from us and is a UNESCO World Heritage site. Now, I don’t think people should be sledding there at all; it’s a place for peace and meditation especially for people visiting their loved ones, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought once or twice what a great sledding hill they have. Take a look at the picture and tell me you wouldn’t be a little tempted.

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Swedish problems

I like that I live in a country where this story has dominated the headlines the entire week. Someone drew a penis on a frozen stream in the snow in the middle of a southern city and the city had trouble getting on the stream to remove it, but finally managed to.  Now this happened:

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Boot blades

If they can invent shoes where you can pop out wheels to roller skate, why can’t they invent winter boots where you can pop out blades to ice skate? It would be so much more useful in my neighborhood.

ices

Winter scores

I had a spectacular fall on the ice yesterday. I’m talking a full-out comedy banana peel-type fall landing horizontally on the ice. The only thing missing was the Benny Hill theme as background music.

It’s mid-January and so far the score is Winter – 2, Heather -0, unless a defeat against winter would be a day I haven’t had to go outside but worn pajamas all day indoors drinking hot chocolate. Then the score is Winter – 2, Heather – 1.

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Garden & Gun?

One of my Facebook friends posted an article about Matthew McConaughey the other day that discussed his love for the New Orleans Garden District. All of the comments were on how great a person Mr. McConaughey is or how great New Orleans is, but there was not one comment about the name of the magazine in which this article appeared – Garden & Gun.

Though it makes me laugh, this is one of the reasons I’m glad I no longer live in the southern states. Can you imagine a magazine like this in Sweden? What would it be called?  Trädgård & Yxa ?

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-18c (-4F) Not fit for humans

As my kids are going to school this morning, it is -18c here in Stockholm, Sweden. We haven’t seen temperatures this low for about 3 years when I was last convinced we lived on planet Hoth (I swear I saw a man riding a TaunTaun to work). The buses barely ran, there were subway problems and it was total chaos in the city. One would think places located in the Arctic Circle would be prepared for these things, but that doesn’t seem to be the case in Stockholm.

For the past week, the evening dinner conversation has revolved around the question of why people would ever settle in Sweden in the first place. I can only think that they discovered the place during the summer and then it became dark and cold so fast that they all experienced mass hibernation and never left.

This leads me to my ongoing argument that people living in northern countries should all hibernate during January and February. We practically do anyway since the darkness makes us all so tired. Why not take it up a notch? Most of us would get the same amount done as we do when we are awake in the winter.

taun copy

 

Just call me Ambassador

I’m looking for jobs lately and I came across this:

Happy Socks: Social Innovation Ambassador

I love when jobs make up titles. I only want this job so I can check “Ambassador” on my flight tickets, have it on my mail, etc. I’d also really look forward to global summits with Ambassador Fruit of the Loom, The Honorable Dr. Scholl and General Hanes.

Excuse me, I need to go apply.

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New stereo system

In order to save a bit of money, my husband and I decided to install our new car stereo system by ourselves. We took the car into a mall parking garage because we don’t have a garage and it’s -10 outside. It took us 3 hours to install the stereo and speakers after which time we agreed that the installation price was probably quite fair for this amount of work. This is also because the stereo mostly works, but occasionally it goes out and you have to hit the door to get it back on. Swedish ghetto life.

Of course, my husband bought this stereo without consulting me first. I had a much better idea, which was to have a Mad Max Doof Warrior playing a flaming guitar with giant speakers in front of our car. Much better sound and he probably takes requests. But instead, we have a normal car stereo just like everyone else. Oh well. Maybe next vehicle.

mad-maxwarrior

Why children shouldn’t be allowed at the buffet

Took the kids to a buffet the other day. They proceeded to make a hamburger filled with fries, chicken nuggets and hot dog weiners. Oh! Don’t forget the barbecue sauce!  They also like to dip carrots in ketchup.

Lots of people say they gain weight after kids. That’s funny. I seem to lose my appetite.

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“You Decorated My Life” is not what I want to hear when Zlatan scores

Sweden’s getting better with different types of restaurants and foods, but they still haven’t mastered the Sports Bar. We have a chain of Sports Bars in Stockholm with the usual unsatisfying high-priced food  you would expect from a typical sports bar, but these places are only a third full of lonely people eating buffet pancakes and burgers while watching Florida golf with a foot of snow outside. (Hmm…. pancakes at a Sports Bar…. there’s one problem right there.)

But after spending my lunch in this Sports Bar yesterday, I’ve come to the conclusion that the main problem may be the music. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want to drink my beer and watch the football game with Neil Diamond singing in the background. It just doesn’t seem to fit.

To make it worse, the follow-up to Neil was “Islands in the Stream,” that old early 80s hit by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. It’s hard to sail away with you Kenny when soccer goals are being scored on one screen and hoops are being dunked on another. If I were picking a soundtrack to a sports movie, it would not involve Dolly Parton (well, maybe “Jolene” for a boxing scene). If I were picking a theme song for a baseball player to walk out to, it wouldn’t be Neil Diamond’s “Song Song Blue.”

Let’s get rid of the pancakes and pump in some rockin’ music and see if that improves the situation. Otherwise, Swedish Sports Bars, you gotta know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run a pizza place instead.

kennysoccer

 

Oh, not THAT North Pole

I was looking for activities today to do with my kids. One event was labeled “North Pole Studio – open house!”

Oh! That would be nice. It’s so snowy out and they must have some fun winter activities. Maybe we can do that. Let me check the times…..

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Oh, THAT kind of pole! Hmm…. maybe the boys would enjoy that more in 10 more years.

 

 

Yet another holiday

Today is another holiday here in Sweden. I can’t remember the name of it. 12th day of Christmas holiday or whatever it’s called. What it means is that our children have been home from school for 3 weeks now and are getting major cabin fever. It doesn’t help that it’s -10c outside (14f) so I feel a little guilty kicking them out to go sledding (though it’s not totally stopping me from doing that.)

My oldest was so cold yesterday that he wrapped his scarf completely around his head. I didn’t notice this until we tried to go into a store and he ran right into the huge sign outside the door. We were holding hands so I guess he assumed he didn’t need to see.

It’s a shame that ski masks are so associated with robberies. We could totally go for one right now with a built-in warming system. Maybe if I wore a rainbow or pink glitter princess ski mask I wouldn’t look so threatening? I wonder if they sell those.

I did find this ski mask while looking through the internet. Maybe we’ll go for this one:

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Chip thieves

My thoughts on this story from The Local:

  1. It must have occured on a Friday or no one would have noticed the stolen chips.
  2. If it happened in the summer, you could still follow the chip crumb trail or all the seagulls/magpies following the theives.

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An 8-yr old’s New Years Resolutions

My 8 year old has informed me that he made it through 2015 without throwing up once and this is again his New Year’s Resolution for 2016. I fully support this resolution.

A quiet New Year’s Eve

I’m not sure if it’s age or lack of sun, but almost everyone I know in Stockholm (including me) just wants to spend a quiet New Year’s Eve with their family this year. Oh, we still plan to dress up, eat a fancy dinner and have champagne, it’s just that … I’m not sure, maybe we just want a relaxing night where we can be ourselves and not worry about impressing other people. Or maybe we’ve reached the age where we are able to do exactly what makes us happy, which tonight is playing games, laughing and enjoying good food & drink with the people we truly love most in the world.

… Or maybe it’s just way too cold here to head out to a New Year’s Eve party in the snow wearing pantyhose and high heels.

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Cooking with dog

No, wait…. not what you think….

My husband wanted to make his own dumplings yesterday, so he went to YouTube to find a good instructional video. This is the video he used to make our dumplings, narrated by…. a talking dog.

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