Tag Archives: America

Slow news day?

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So….. he’s an average American.

Customs video FAIL

As usual, when we arrived in the U.S. last month, we were subjected to a special video that re-played every three minutes while we waited in the long line at immigration/customs.

At least this year there was a new video. I was really getting tired of listening to super-happy people repeating, “I am America…… I am America…. I am America” over and over. I kept thinking, “Where’s the angry lady that shouts at me when I don’t have correct change for the toll? Isn’t SHE America? And where’s the guy who cut me off and stole my parking space last year in Texas? Isn’t HE also America? I don’t see these people in the video.”

But anyway, this year’s video for customs was a little instructional piece for stupid people and children explaining why we have to stand in an hour long line to enter the country. In one part of the video, a little girl asks a customs official, “Why are you taking my mommy’s fingerprints?” and the man replies, “I’m making sure she really IS your mommy and not someone PRETENDING to be your mommy.”

What kind of psychological damage is that customs offical subjecting that little girl to? “My mommy may not be my mommy but someone PRETENDING to be my mommy?!  AHHHHH!!!!!”

Another fail for the customs video writers. My suggestion is simply to run some Tom & Jerry cartoons like they used to do at Six Flags Amusement Parks while I waited in line. Trust me, I get just as much useful information from that as I do from a customs video.

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Christmas ideas pt. 2

On my online quest for ideas to put on my wish list, I have come across this wizard hat for cats. I don’t have a cat, but if I could dress it up in a wizard hat, maybe I would get one.

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Star Spangled Underwear

As I was pulling on my American flag underwear this morning, I started to think about how strange it is that people get so upset about “desecrating the flag” while at the same time, they buy American flag underwear.

I also started to wonder if the U.S. was the only country who did this, but quickly realize that quite a few of them do. Now the question becomes, what country DOESN’T turn it’s flag into underwear? Also, wouldn’t wars end faster if they just sent out good-looking people in the underwear of that country’s flag? Everyone would be distracted.  Or better yet, everyone has to fight in flag underwear.

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Deep-fried Twinkies

On the same theme as yesterday, yet ANOTHER reason I gained 5 pounds on vacation.

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Snack time in Texas

Bacon-wrapped jalapenos stuffed with cheese. Just one of the many reasons I gained 5 pounds on our trip.

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The Bacon Truck!

America.

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Great parenting

Get out there and roll on the grass! That’s what we did when we were kids and we liked it! No, I’m not charging your gameboy. Now git!

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Excuse me, you forgot our 4th onion ring order

We’re 4 people at this table. How do we survive on this tiny amount of food?  #GiantStomachsAfter2WeeksInTX

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Texas in the eyes of my children

I like to give my kids cameras on all trips to encourage them to take pictures of what is most interesting and important to them.  Today I give you photos taken by my children on previous Texas trips. Let’s hope they will be able to find even more exciting things on this year’s vacation:

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This is why we can’t stay more than a month

One month in Texas = 10 lbs (that’s 5 kilos for the rest of the world!)

I give you evidence:

Baytown Outlaws

I grew up in Baytown, Texas, just outside of Houston. I usually just tell people I’m from Houston since it’s more well known (and I pause for the required, “Houston, we have a problem” statement I get from each person thinking they’re the first ones to ever say that to me).

But now maybe Baytown is going to be on the map! As I googled the town today, I found this movie gem from just a few years back. Yep, once this movie catches on, I expect Baytown to be a tourist destination. I mean, look at the poster – it’s obviously high quality. I must have missed this movie’s Oscar nomination. It’s a proud moment for my hometown.  (I think that guy in the tank top used to be my daycare teacher.)

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4th of July in Texas

It’s that time of year again! 4th of July – and we’re spending it in Texas.

Let me write the equivalent of a school essay to help explain the 4th of July for those outside the U.S.:

What the 4th of July Means to Me

The Fourth of July means many things to me, but most importantly, it means snow cones. Without snow cones, America wouldn’t be the country it is today.

A lot of Americans say that 4th of July of America’s birthday. A lot of Americans also say that ketchup is a vegetable.

The United States celebrates freedom in many ways. One of those ways is to fry any food they want, be it Oreos, butter or cheesecake. Another way is to wear horribly inappropriate summer clothing that really shouldn’t be on bodies eating all that fried food.

But the most popular thing on the 4th of July is the fireworks. Americans like shiny, loud things. And after the fireworks, we all spend the next hour cursing our parking choices as we sit for an hour trying to get out of the lot with complaining kids in the backseat.

Happy 4th of July America!  Now where did I put my mosquito spray?

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Boston

We’re currently in Boston for the first time. As I’m scheduling this before we leave, I have nothing real to write about the place yet other than I’m hoping we are able to understand people better than we did in Dublin and we are hoping to gain 5 lbs each with good food.Plans for Boston: Day 1: Eat, sleepDay 2: Eat, M.I.T., Eat, Snack, Nap, Eat, SleepDay 3: Eat, park, Eat, look at old boats, Eat, Dessert, SleepDay 4: Eat, boat, Eat, park, take picture of old building, Eat, Dessert SleepAs you can see, I think I’ve planned a very satisfying and exciting vacation to Boston. I just hope I don’t miss any opportunities to eat.beans

BlueBell off the shelves. Texas mourns.

As anyone living in Texas or the southern U.S. knows, BlueBell ice cream is one of the best things to come out of Texas. Most Texans eat nothing else. Recently, Bluebell had to shut down and recall all products due to listeria concerns, causing Texans and southerners to stare at empty grocery shelves (and lose weight). Most Texans are blaming the recent devastating floods and storms in the state on the loss of BlueBell, claiming God is angry or God is crying. To sum up, Texans are loyal to BlueBell, and its disappearance is causing frustration and desperation. To get a feeling of the current attitude in Texas at the moment, one only has to visit the BlueBell Facebook site and read the comments. I’ve listed a few of my favorites here:

We are dying over here in Louisiana. WE. ARE. OUT. OF. ICE. CREAM.

Please hurry! I……must……..have……my……Blue…Bell……ice…cream……
I’ve been having to drink more beer to replace my ice cream intake.

Hurry, I’m losing weight!!!!

I haven’t eaten another other brand. Need to hurry up! God is crying and Houston is flooding.

We bought a freezer just to store BlueBell and deer/hog meat.

We are DYING here without our Blue Bell!! That other stuff just ain’t the SAME!

Oh noooooooo!!!! This could be traumatic and require therapy!

I remain faithful to Blue Bell.   Wives? Not so much.

I cry a little more each day.

Honestly, I would be ok with getting sick or dying from BlueBell. The ice cream is worth it.

We tried another brand. Nasty.

I am having withdrawals in a bad way!! I may need some counseling if I do not get me some quickly!!!

Without Blue Bell, sex is our only alternative and we are getting tired.

Everything else is garbage.

I don’t care if it has ebola or e.coli or whatever, I want my ice cream now!!!

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Shirt made by Doodle Bug Designs

Tag lines

While pre-publishing a post for next week (I’ll be on vacation) about politics and Europe, I was suggested certain tags for my post in order to publicize it. I’m still trying to figure out why the tagging suggestions were America, beer and cheese.

Not that I’m complaining, I’m just not sure what that has to do with politics and Europe. Unless of course the underlying message is, “Hey man, just come to America, eat cheese, drink beer and forget about your problems.”

I suppose that’s good political policy as well.

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America

I’ve had two jobs now where I’m supposed to encourage others to eat healthy.  Then this turns up. Why do I bother?

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(Ok, if offered…. I’m still gonna try it.)

Happy birthday America

Today is American Independence day.  To celebrate, I give you the greatest thing I’ve seen this summer on our American trip:

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How do you expect me to cope with only 15 mo. off work?!

Today in our local paper, there is a letter written by a woman complaining that she wants to breast feed her child for 2 years and it’s UNFAIR that the Swedish government ONLY gives her 15 months of paid parental time off work.  It should be a full 2 years, she says.

Wow.

Americans, please get this woman’s information from me to write and let her know how much time the rest of the world gets off work when they have children.

 

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If you buy this, you’re no friend of mine

Some American products are unavailable or hard to find in Sweden.  It’s getting better, but we’re still missing alot or if you can find things, they are extremely expensive.  I was browsing around a little specialty store in Stockholm when I found this.  Downy fabric softener.  The price tag is 239 kr.  Allow me to convert that to American dollars for you – $37.24.  Yes, you heard me right.  Plus, it’s only enough for 40 loads.   $37.24 for a bottle of fabric softener that costs just under $4 at Wal-mart.

If I meet anyone in Sweden who buys this nonsense at $37 a bottle, they are officially off my socializing list.

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